“Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.” - Shel Silverstein

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Merely Me - Samie's Situation

So I read my sister Samie's note on Facebook regarding her desire to try surrogacy to have a child with her flame Earl. You like that? "Flame"? I like it... anyway... I was typing up a comment to leave that ended up looking more like a blog entry, so I figured I'd save some space on her wall and make it one! LOL The thing of it is, it's very easy for us to give our opinions on things even when we have no idea what another persons feelings or motives are concerning the subject. I am, to say the least, the last person to know about the stress of losing an organ as precious as the womb and with it the chance to ever carry a life inside me again.

After six children I still don't even have my tubes tied...seriously. But yes we are "done" having kids for all you people with your eyebrows raised...it's y'all who've got me blogging right now. I guess I ought to thank you, because were it not for you eyebrow raisers, you naysayers, you uninformed "well meaning" gossips, I may have nothing else in common with my sister on this point and then I would have some hard time feeling like I could be by her side and support her without feeling like a forgiener. To be honest when she talks about her inability to have more children etc. I feel like I'm the last person she wants to hear comforting her. I don't offer her words of comfort. I don't tell her it will be ok or it will all work out or anything because coming from a baby making machine I feel that would be insulting and she'd have every right to roll her eyes and say "that's easy for you to say"...because it is.

But thanks to the judgemental people out there (some of whom probably never meant any harm, and have perhaps changed their views) I can rally behind Samie and at least say I know a small, tiny sliver of what you're going through. I know what it's like to be misunderstood and criticized for following your heart; that pain I can relate to.

There were only a handful of people who were supportive when we decided to have Moxie Girl even though babies are a blessing. Even some people I should have been able to count of for support (if not excitement) were bitterly opinionated. Doesn't it always happen that when people ought to feel happy for you (or in Samie's case sympathetic and understanding) they manage to be just the opposite? LOL But no one was in our shoes. No one knew or understood how important it was for me to give Peach a sister even though most people know that I have only sisters and there is a specialness about the bond sisters share. If they weren't making comments about us having more kids ("another one") they were making comments about us trying at home methods to have a girl accusing us of "playing God" when we were really just playing with lime juice. It's not like we were sorting embryos folks... In any case we should be happy with whatever we get right? For the record I would have loved a son just as much as I love Moxie Girl! LOL

Think about this, I'd been wanting a sister for Peach since she was born, that doens't mean I love Little Bear and Mini less because they have penises. I was disappointed, and I cried once. But my love for them is endless. Samie may not understand this gender thing because she'd be happy just to be able to be pregnant and I get that. But she can understand wanting to feel your family is complete and doing what you can to achieve that without settling for any alternatives. So I had to try. I'm sure Samie would agree, especially in her situation that it's more about knowing you tried. You can hope for an out come but it may not happen. At least though you know you did what you could.

Having been in a place where I had very personal feelings and made decisions that were readily, openly, and painfully opposed I can read her feelings and support her without having any opinion at all. I realize that I'm not really in a place to HAVE any opinion! LOL What do I know about being unable to have babies?!?! Not a blessed thing! But I can respect that SHE is in this place and this is how SHE feels and what SHE wants for herself and her family. I don't have to understand; she doesn't need me to understand or accept her choice in order to do what she wants. But it would make it so much nicer, happier and easier if she had it, doncha think? I rememebr the sadness that hung like a cloud over my last pregnancy because so many people behaved and spoke as if they were unhappy I was having a baby. When she actuallly turned out to be a girl I had so few people with which to share my joy and excitement, and I had plenty to share believe me!

I don't want Samie to have to endure feeling let down by those closest to her, not through her journey and especially not when her moment of joy comes. The answer is not for me to stay out of it even though I have worries about offending her or not knowing what to say to express support of something I don't understand. So what do I say? To everyone else I say don't judge, you don't know what it's like to be in another person's place even if you have a similar sitaution. What's good for you may not be god for someone else. What do I say to Samie? Hmmm...

        "I do think that while it will take time for you two to save for this adventure (yeah I used the "A" word! LOL) that can be a good thing. It gives you time to prepare mentally and emotionally, to get a feel for your new life in Texas and get the other kids adjusted. Carrie may be in school and you can have a strong routine in place by time you turn your world upside down (as usually happens) with appointments and procedures and baby business. Keep thinking positive! Oh and I love you!" :)

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Merely Me - Long Time Gone

It's been over a year since my last blog entry, but then again it's been over a year since I felt quite like myself. I'm altered in some ways yet still very much the same as ever. I'd like to try to blog once again, I have so much going on and love the ability to put my thoughts down in writing. So this morning I spent some time updating my blog features etc. At the moment I'm watching the kids play outside, and my laptop is going to die, so I'm going to cut it short and say "Hello again!" and hopefully I'll be back soon :)