I hadn't realized it but I have been going around neglecting the "who I am" aspect of myself for quite a long time. It came and smacked me off the forehead on Saturday, and part of Sunday now that I think of it ( I guess it did more that just smack me, it beat me good and proper), that I have allowed my "station in life" to become all I am and to dictate everything about me. That is to say that there is more to who I am than being a wife and a mother and I had tossed it all in the back of the closet and abandoned it. So no one knows much about me beyond my husband, my home, my hobby and my kids. Even worse, I had become as ignorant of myself as the rest of the world.
So I've decided to rediscover myself and I'll try to share what I find along the way. I'm going to find that person I used to be before I pigeon-holed myself and I'm going to embrace her! The rest of y'all don't have to embrace her becasue if I recall correctly, she really doesn't care, and being different is her life's work.
What have I found so far? Well not a whole bunch...I blew the dust off my book of Tennyson, and revisited Shakespeare's sonnets, at least the ones that were my favorites. Funny how the last time I had read 105 in my heart it spoke of someone who now is long gone, and today I see my husband in those verses. I am a lover of literature, the classics and have always been an English/grammar freak. I love words! I reminded myself how much I love, love, love to dance and that I'm actually pretty good at it. Nevermind that it's fun! Imagine that...You don't even need company...I really want to rediscover music... It's an unequaled pleasure.
I've realized that it's alright (and from what I'm told entirely possible in my case) to look and feel beautiful in spite of having carried and given birth to a sports team worth of children. Apparently I've still got it... even if I'm not entirely comfortable having it! From what I understand this "it" is not going away anytime soon, and I can't hide it so I just need to embrace the "it" I've got. This embracing is supposed to be healthy for me...we'll see. So I'm no longer neglecting my physical appearance. I'm trying to do stuff with my hair and I've shaved my legs as needed this week. While I used to say that I'm married and have no one to impress, that fact of the matter is I do. I have to impress myself. I'm not being narcissistic, God knows I'm the last person to be in love with myself. But my point is that unless you feel good about yourself and the way you percieve others view you, you will always be lacking an inner something...and inner something that when present is actually outwardly visible in a way. And when it's not present, it's absence can be felt by others, just ask my husband. He thinks the embracing of my "it" is a good thing...especially if it leads to more embracing for him.
I'm also finding that it's ok to show my less than girly side. Just ask my momma my girly side is more than sufficient. The me I used to know never cared if people thought I was weird or not, and the me now shouldn't either. Aside from the obvious frustration of the over all situation, I enjoyed working on the truck with my husband. I liked getting dirty, drinking Smirnoffs, and taking swim breaks to cool off. I abhor when people talk down to me cuz I'm a girl and they think I don't know what I'm talking about! I can bake a pie, make some curtains, clean the house and do a brake job and a tune-up (among other things). I know how to use power tools too...and it's fun! I stopped doing stuff like that because someone told me it was unfeminine, or man's work or something like that. Why should guys get to have all the fun? They have some of the coolest toys...nevermind that I have things that need to be done and if I can do something myself I'm the kind of person who likes to do it. Why should I be ashamed?
So from here on out I'm doing me. Yes I have kids, and am a terrific mom and wife according to the latest poll, but there is more to me than that. I'm a homemaker, but I've dabbled in interior design and studied the construction of furniture throughout history. I like to knit and crochet and quilt my little heart out, but I'm also tech savvy. I troubleshoot my own computer, I know how to compare specs on digital devices and I can find an awesome deal to boot. I don't watch rated R movies but I do like a good movie... in all honestly I'd rather read a book.
I'm sure the person who helped me to see that I've been stereotyping myself, denying myself of my identity, never intended to do so. But I consider myself indebted. Thanks to you, I'm bringing me back!
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